Emotional birthday, I guess

Hello... Just need some place to vent.

Yeah, today's my birthday. And it the year that I entering the age of 20. I literally typing this post in a playground parking lot near my place. Cause I don't feel like going home at the moment. Can't believe that I feel like that and also fingers are shaking at typing because how emotionally sad. 

This morning, I'm actually quite excited a bit, cause might be celebrating my birthday with my secondary school friends. Yeah, you heard me, MIGHT.. Last night I got a call from Stephanie that TODAY night will be hanging out with their buddies. I was kinda felt happy cause whenever see their pictures when they hangout, tiny part of me is jealous. I can't help and see them from far.

So coincidently that my dad from outstation came back yesterday afternoon. When Stephanie called me, I agreed without hesitation knowing that my dad will get mad about it. 

My mom and brother kinda celebrate early, cause we know my dad don't really like these kind of stuff. For example, eating out, celebrate birthdays, I hanging out with friends cause he will think that I'll  spend money like nobody's business. Moreover, the economic now in Malaysia is super bad and I need to spend extra money for my own education since I fail more papers. He also hated that I waste time. 

Just now, I just finish my workshop for the coming finals I'm taking in September. During class, my mom suddenly Whatsapp me and said that my dad disagree me to go. After I saw the message, my mood was slightly better than normal days drop to deep sea of ocean. 

This brings me the memory of last year, Ruby's wedding after party. Pearl's friends try to convince my dad to let me go and he reluctantly say yes, then quietly say no after they were out of ear shot. 

When I almost few meters away from home, suddenly I got a feeling that I don't feel like going home just yet. Just not ready to see his face. 

So instead turning to the road that lead home, I turned to other junction and drive to the playground car park. 

Once reach the carpark, I turn off the engine and air cond, but leave the sound system playing songs from my pen drive. I also straight away adjust my sit to lying position. I didn't know I was so emo. 

Looking out the window, see the pink and white flowers on the trees and my father's last night words playing in my mind again. And thinking of my fail papers. Without realizing... I burst to tears.

After I settle a bit, then I know I need a place to vent these thoughts and feelings. Since I'm still kinda embarrassed to see my family at the moment.  

Haha, while typing this post, it starts to rain and it kind look pretty

Of cause after typing, thinking and listening to favourite songs playing in the stereo. It's a bit ridicules to cry and frustrated over that can't celebrate my birthday with friends. But of cause I would like to live the moments. I still have other years to live and celebrate with them. 

Okay... I think I'm kinda okay and feeling okay. Through out when I type this post, surprising that my radio played the songs that were emotional and currently is playing "Be Your Everything" by Boys like Girls. And yeah I'm ready to go home now, it's almost that I'm here almost an hour. Gonna drive back and face the day. Again. 

Peace out (Y)