Jealously kills!!!

We human beings have feelings and most of them love to be around people. Even those who are quiet or shy. Just be around people feel nicer then being alone. Sometimes, being awkward is better than being nothing. 

I don't know... Is just.... Haiz... I shouldn't be feeling this, but.... 

Maybe don't have much friends, got a small group of friends, not much close friends. Some of those friends used to be super close, but time pass, those friends got out of touch, even not out of touch, they'll get awkward, somehow. In the end, kinda feel, friends getting lesser and lesser. 

Gosh... I'm getting to sound like desperate for friends. Yes... I admit, I'm desperate, thou some people around me are desperate of their other half. 

Why I'm getting to work up on this? Why I woke up in the morning, scroll down Instagram show some couple of pictures for my close close friends hang out together. Being out for some time... Whenever I saw those pictures, felt sad. I shouldn't be upset, cause they are my friends. They have their own gang. Is not like I do not know everyone, I knew most of them, most of them are pretty close. Like now, most I think I'm not one of them. But in a way, I'm not one of them :/ 

the idea of being left out, hurts....

~~~notrelated~~~

After I saw those pics, kinda upset, while driving to campus, coincidently the 1st song was playing "Try again, Smile again" by CN Blue. It cheered me up, but not quite. During lunch, it gotten worst again, cause of the same reason. Not directly, but knowing try hang out, but didn't told me and ask me stuff like they don't know, when I got a feeling they know. On the way back, listened to "Man in Mirror" also by CN Blue, somehow, it sing about friends, like my car, knows was I'm feeling??

~~~notrelated~~~

Sometimes, I even blame myself, why I dot work hard enough, then I might be the same group as other people. If I have study hard enough, then my parents would let me hang out with my friends without hesitantly. If I have been study hard enough, my parents won't keep grounded me to go out with them. If I study hard enough, I would make some white lie for not hanging out, but most of them are true and some other factor. 

Sometimes, when I got the chance to finally to talk to them, but there's sure got one person or thing are distracted and stories are not fully told. 

When in groups are chatting away, I tried to join the conversation, but can't, cause don't know the references at lot. The references I knew, they don't know. Always have a conversation gap everywhere. Majority wins. 

Sometimes, I really like to listen to their stories from the people themselves, but not from third person. In a way, feel like stalking them in insta or fb. In other word, I know they stories one way, and not two ways like talking the the actual person. 

Some people keep saying, leave your comfort zone!! Leave this, leave that. I know I make excuse for myself. But is not easy to do, like been said. What pissed me most when the person told me this, while the person also for didn't leave their comfort zone. 

Haiz... Just feel like blah out some problems in my mind. Take some times to rethink. Maybe in later days, have another of perspective of thinking and what I think might. Maybe I'll change the way I talk to people. I MUST CHANGE!! At least. See how it goes :/

Peace out (Y)